Sky High Hopes

What does it feel like to have a person growing inside of you? So many people I know are pregnant or just had babies. It must be a strange phenomenon. I feel I’m getting older, and I need to experience this soon, or be forever left without children. My body is starting to scream at me “TIME IS RUNNING OUT!” I want to be a mom some day…but today? Maybe not today, but maybe today.

What does it feel like? Butterflies? Aliens? Gas? I remember thinking that my mom must be Super Woman. Raising all those kids alone. I still think that. She never cried, even when it was obviously very hard to keep going. I am not any kind of super and only recently have I felt like a woman. 25 is getting older, not quite old yet, but I’ll be 26 in a few months. My older sisters (3!) have all warned me against waiting too long. “You don’t want to be chasing after toddlers at 38, trust me…” They’re probably right. I’ve learned a lot being the youngest, so maybe I should take their advice. Are you ever really ready to be a parent- to be responsible for someone else, for whether they live or die?

And yet, people do it every day and have been doing it for centuries. My mom did it on her own for most of her life. Maybe I’m scared that I cannot live up to my Super Mom? Maybe she just did the best she could and hid her fear very well- or let go of her fear in favor of relying on God? Yes. I suspect, no I know that to be the case. What if I have to do it alone for some-or-other terrible reason in the future? I’m afraid of myself, of my inability to provide, protect, let go of my own fears and agendas, give another person the skills they need to survive in this horribly awful and beautiful world.

How do you do all of that? How do you survive that immense pressure? I know well how imperfect I am. I suppose all we can do is hope and pray we don’t screw them up too badly. That we become better people in the process.

I wonder what it feels like, growing another human being.